Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
