I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
