____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
