i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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