Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
