I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
