I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
