I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Who died my cat blue again?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
