I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
