im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
