If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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