Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
