she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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