I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
