My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
