apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
