She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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