I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
