dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
