shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My vagina just clenched in fear
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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