Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
