god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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