I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize