Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
