if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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