I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
