i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
