I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize