WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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