I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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