Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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