There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
