Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
