i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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