My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
