my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
