I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
