I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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