that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
