apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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