He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
