I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
