we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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