Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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