Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
