I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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