You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
