I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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