Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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