Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
