with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
