Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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