I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need to calm my uterus...
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