are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
nutella sex= disaster
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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