had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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