she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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