at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
