I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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