I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
