When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's blow job season.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
