It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
