The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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