never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
