I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
