mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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