Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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