i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
